The Insane World of Harry Potter
by Blue Pants
Summary: It's exactly like the normal world of Harry Potter, except with 5 percent less fat.
1. Did Somebody Say Chicken?

CAUTION- READ BEFORE STARTING STORY 

If, at any point during the course of this or subsequent chapters, you feel nausea, headaches, experience hallucinations and a slight urge to kill, then you are most likely crazy. Consult your doctor immediately, and for the safety of us all, stay away from sharp objects. Please.

Also, if at any point during the course of this or subsequent chapters, you feel a strangely happy feeling, a twinge in your stomach, and start making short, loud sounds repeatedly, there is no need for worry. You are laughing. Of course, this is perfectly normal.

**NOTE: **The majority of people who have read this story have undergone the first set of symptoms rather than the second. Hmm…

* * *

Harry Potter lay awake in his dormitory bed, thinking. What was he thinking of? Quite a few things. He was thinking about how exciting his sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry would be. He was thinking about the new Quidditch season. He was thinking about the large increase in work the Sixth years were supposed to get.

But most of all, Harry was thinking about the chicken. The live chicken that had just broken through the curtains of his four-poster bed and was currently pecking at his face.

It took Harry's mind but a few seconds to comprehend what was happening. _Live… chicken… broken… through… curtains… pecking… face…_

"_Oh my gosh, I forgot to put down the toilet seat, and someone's going to be REALLY mad at me in the morning!" _Harry's mind screamed. But then he remembered that this was a boy's dormitory, so "putting down the seat" didn't really matter. His mind at peace, he went back to thinking.

It took Harry's mind a bit more time to _correctly_ comprehend what was happening.

"WHAT… THE… HECK?" Harry shouted, immediately sitting up straight in his bed, sending the chicken flapping away. He tried to make a blind grab for it, but missed and fell over. The chicken ran away, clucking and squawking, back through the curtains and out of Harry's sight.

Harry fumbled for his glasses and got out of his bed. He pushed aside the curtains and peered around in the dark. No sign of the chicken…

"Harry, what's with all the racket?" Mumbled Ron sleepily, emerging from the curtains of his bed.

"I… I don't know," said Harry, still looking around in the dark.

"Then go back to bed." Said Ron, starting to turn away.

Suddenly, Harry felt a large and very painful thump on his head. He let out a yelp, realizing the chicken had just dropped onto his head from above.

"WHAT THE-?" Said Harry frantically. "But I saw him run out- he was just- how did he get up there-?"

Harry grabbed the chicken very roughly and looked straight into its eyes, as Ron's own eyes widened.

"I don't know why you've come into my life…" said Harry very menacingly, tightening his grip on the chicken's feathers, "but before I pluck out all your feathers and roast you over a fire until you're all plump and juicy, and then have you for dinner and possibly an early-morning snack, you are going to answer me this… _how did you just do that?_"

"Um, Harry…" said Ron slowly, "Forgive me for asking, but… why are you talking to a chicken?"

Harry looked from Ron to the chicken and back.

"Um… could we just… you know, forget this ever happened?" asked Harry sheepishly.

"Whatever. I'm just going back to bed."

"All right." Said Harry. He snatched his wand from his bedside table and aimed it directly at the chicken. "And now for you!"

The chicken gave out one last mighty cluck before it was hit by Harry's spell. A second later, it turned into… a pair of ladies underwear.

"WHOA!" said Harry, who meant to turn it into a nondescript book. "Why did it turn into women's underwear?" Then he realized the wand he was holding was Ron's wand. "Oh, this is Ron's wand."

"Wait… this is Ron's wand!" he repeated, wondering if it would be logical to put two and two together. But he shook the thought out of his head, grabbed his own wand, and turned the underwear into a nondescript book.

Then, he got back into his bed. Brushing away the stray feathers, he got under the covers, and put his glasses and wand aside. His last thought before he fell asleep again was, _"What a weird night…"_

* * *

Meanwhile, two men, a tall one and a short one, cleverly hidden in the shadows of the dorm room, watched as Harry fell asleep.

"Curses!" whispered the tall one. "I was sure the chicken would get him!"

"Yes, that Potter is a smart one." Agreed the short one quietly. "But don't worry. We'll do him in. Mark my words, before the year is finished, Potter will die!"

"AH HA HA HA HAA!" roared the tall one, thinking it appropriate to burst into evil laughter at the time. The short one, however, disagreed.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Hissed the short one.

"Um… bursting into evil laughter?"

"You IDIOT! We can't be discovered! If we blow our cover, we're done for!"

"…And?"

"Bursting into evil laughter is a sufficient way to blow our cover!"

"No it's not. Our cover isn't blown."

"Well, it could have been!"

"But it wasn't."

"That's the line of reasoning I'd expect from a child!"

"Are you saying I'm not manly enough for you?"

"… WHAAAT?"

"I believe you are too uptight."

At this point, the short one slapped the tall one.

"I'm the leader of this group, am I not?" asked the short one.

"Yes."

"Then SHUT UP!"

"SHUT UP!" came the voice from behind the curtains of one of the beds. A shoe came flying at the two men.

It then became apparent to both the tall one and the short one that during that particular exchange, they had idiotically forgotten to lower their voices. They looked at each other in horror.

"Take… evasive… action!" Whispered the short one to the tall one. The tall one nodded. They sprinted to the dorm window, opened it, and threw themselves to the ground far below.

Combined, they each suffered 7 broken bones, multiple bruises, and a concussion.

* * *

That's it for the first chapter of my first fanfic. Yes, this is my first. I'm new at this. I'll admit… it's fun.

Now, here comes the _real_ fun part. YOU, the readers, reviewing! That's right! With only the click of the button, you can review this story and tell me how awesome/horrible it is! And best of all, it's **FREE!**

Reviewing will actually cost you $19.99 plus tax, shipping and handling, a small membership fee, and any more added expenses we may think of, including those that exist and those that do not.


	2. Malfoy's Payback

Harry and Ron started the walk down to the Great Hall for breakfast by themselves. Hermione had said she'd catch up with them later.

"I wonder who put that chicken right by my bed last night…" wondered Harry aloud.

"What chicken?" asked Ron.

"You know… the live chicken in our dorm last night?"

"Are you sure you weren't dreaming? Because I distinctly remember a night free of chicken."

"But…" Harry then decided to drop it.

They both entered the Great Hall. As they were walking to their tables, they took out their schedules.

"Oh, no…" said Harry. "We've got potions first…"

"Yeah, I know," agreed Ron. "Potions is useless and horrible enough without Snape…"

"It's not just that," said Harry. "Malfoy… he's probably still sore at me because his father's in Azkaban, remember?"

"Oh, yeah…"

"In fact…" said Harry, "He's probably going to try and get me good… he's had an entire summer to think of how to get me back…"

Ron's eyes widened. "Harry, this is serious. You know Malfoy is nasty enough to… you know… really hurt you…"

Harry had just come to this realization, too. "Guess I'll have to watch out…" he said, sitting down at the Gryffindor table.

At that point, an embarrassingly loud and very wet farting sound came from where Harry sat. Harry's entire face froze as the_ entire _Great Hall fell silent, the teachers and all. The farting sound echoed off the walls for what seemed an eternity.

Suddenly, a very loud and obnoxious laugh cut through the silence.

"HA HA HA!" roared Malfoy, pointing at Harry. "It looks like Potter still has a ways to go in his potty training! HA HA!"

Soon, more people joined in the laughing. Eventually, the Great Hall was filled with roaring laughter.

"Hey, wait a second!" said Harry, jumping up and snatching from his seat what looked like a squished balloon. He held it up for all to see. "I didn't do that! It was this whoopee cushion!"

As the laughter started to die down, Malfoy's face turned scarlet. He pushed aside his breakfast and jumped up onto the table, looking straight at Harry.

"POTTER!" shrieked Malfoy. "You may have foiled my first plan to GET YOU BACK, but trust me, I have more! Many more! Before long, I will GET YOU BACK!"

He then turned on his heel, and started to stalk out of the Great Hall, ignoring his unfinished breakfast.

However, turning on one's heel is not a very good idea when standing on the edge of a table, and he fell over to the ground in a crumpled heap. Getting up, trying to act like nothing happened, Malfoy started to stalk out of the Hall again. However, he tripped on the edge of his now disheveled robes, and fell a second time. Getting up angrily, Malfoy started to run out of the Hall, but he accidentally ran into an absent-minded Neville, who fell forward into a punch bowl. Confused and drenched in cherry punch (with a hint of grape), Neville hit over an entire stack of silverware and dishes, which sent many Gryffindors scattering. Malfoy, who was now in a flat-out sprint, hurdled the Ravenclaw table on his way to the double doors that led out of the Great Hall. The Ravenclaws, being smart, jumped out of his pathway. It was a smart decision, because Malfoy's back foot got caught on his way over the table, and as he fell (yet again), one of his hands desperately grabbed the edge of the table. When Malfoy hit the ground, he managed to pull the table over onto himself. After he managed to get free, he managed to hobble out of the Great Hall, very slowly. Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyle were eating his unfinished breakfast.

"That was his plan to get me back?" asked Harry, very confused.

"Hey, I recognize that!" said Ron, taking the whoopee cushion. "My brothers made that brand themselves. 'Extra loud.'"

Harry just shook his head and started to sit down again. However, he paused. Someone was just entering the hall, a familiar someone, and that particular someone caught Harry's eye.

"_Hermione?"_

"Where?" asked Ron, trying to see where Harry was looking.

"Over there… but… wow, she's changed over the summer!"

"What do you mean, we saw her this morn-,"

"I mean REALLY changed! I mean, it's obvious it's her, but she's gained… more than a little weight…"

"What?" said Ron, still trying to see where Harry was looking. "I didn't notice that earlier."

"No offense to her, but HOW COULD YOU NOT? And…" said Harry, squinting to see her at the other end of the hall, "What's that? It looks like… it looks like she's grown a beard!"

Ron was now thoroughly confused.

"No, Ron, I'm not kidding. I think Hermione has grown a beard! And… oh my goodness… this is just wrong… either that's an optical illusion, or, for some reason, she's packing a bit heavier than normal downstairs…"

"HARRY, YOU BLOODY IDIOT, THAT'S HAGRID!" burst Ron, finally realizing what was going on.

Harry fell silent. "Oh…"

Ron was in disbelief. "HOW DID YOU MISTAKE HERMIONE FOR HAGRID?"

"Hey, come on, at least I realized it when I saw her manhood…"

Ron just yelled at the top of his voice to drown out all of the wrongness.

* * *

But where _was _Hermione at the moment? In reality, she had been taken hostage… taken hostage by two men, a tall one and a short one, cleverly hidden behind two statues, a tall one and a short one. The tall one was behind the short statue, and the short one was behind the tall statue. 

"This has to be the worst hiding place ever." The tall one had said.

"I'm not complaining." The short one had retorted.

Through the aid of magic, both men had managed to heal their injuries in a relatively short amount of time. However, their bodies were still sore. In their condition, a direct attack on Harry Potter would not be ideal. They were forced to get to him… through his friends.

"So… why are we taking the girl hostage, again?" the tall one had asked.

"To get to Harry, we have to get to him through his friends." The short one had replied.

"I don't get it." The tall one had said.

"QUIET! She approaches!" the short one had hissed.

Hermione, who had been on her way to the Great Hall, was ambushed as she walked past the two statues. The tall one had used a stunning spell to stun Hermione, while the short one was to catch her as she fell. However, the short one, being short, didn't really catch her. He more or less acted as a cushion for her fall.

"So… much… pain…" the short one had mumbled under the unconscious Hermione.

"See?" the tall one had said. "I TOLD you that I should have hidden behind the tall statue, instead of the short one, and that I should have caught the girl, instead of you, but NOOOOOO."

"Shut… up…" the short one had mumbled.

* * *

Hey, you. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Yes, I can see you. What, you don't believe me? Well I can. I can see what you're wearing right now. Seriously. I can see every detail of your face. I can see your home. That's right, _I know what you look like, and I know where you live. _So, review. Or else I might just pay a visit to your house. And... I don't know, _maybe take a blade of grass or two? _Yeah, that's right. I'll do it too. 


	3. Love in the Air

When Harry and Ron had noticed that Hermione was not with them for Potions later that morning, they were more than a little concerned.

"What do you think has happened to her?" asked Ron. "She's… Hermione! It's not like her to miss classes, even Snape's!"

"I don't know," said Harry. "I think we should go to McGonagal, or someone…"

Suddenly, Snape's voice, very irritated, interrupted their conversation.

"Potter! Weasley! Unless I am mistaken, students are supposed to be in their seats by the time the bell has rung!"

"But the bell _hasn't _rung!" argued Harry as the bell rang.

Snape sneered. "Five points from Gryffindor apiece, Potter and Weasley."

Harry and Ron seethed as they sat in their seats. Well, just Ron, anyway. Harry wasn't really seething after he sat on a tack suspiciously placed right on the edge of his seat.

"Ow!" yelped Harry, immediately jumping up. The entire class turned to look at him. Embarrassed, he removed the tack from his seat and sat down. _How did that get there?_

"Today," sneered Snape, "we will be taking our first steps towards making a very advanced potion, far more advanced than anything you have attempted to make before. Pay attention, for if you fall behind, catching up will be almost impossible."

Neville looked at Snape so intently that his eyes almost popped out of his head.

Harry suddenly felt a piece of paper hit the back of his head. He immediately knew that it was a note, probably written by Ron. They had done this so many times during boring classes… such as Snape's.

Harry opened the note, and immediately recognized Ron's messy handwriting. However, the message was different, to say the least. Horrifying, actually. The front of the note contained a single phrase: _I love you. _

As if this was not disturbing enough, Harry turned the note around to the back, attempting to find an explanation. However, the back read _I want to have your children._

Harry turned to Ron, his mouth wide open.

Ron looked from the paper to Harry, and then let his mouth fall open in shock. He shook his head furiously and tried to mouth something at Harry, but, unfortunately, Snape had noticed the un-crumpled piece of paper still held in Harry's hands.

"Potter!" hissed Snape. "Ten points from Gryffindor! And give me that note you wrote!"

"Oh, no," Harry said frantically, "I didn't wri-,"

"WHO was this note meant for?" said Snape.

"But-,"

"WHO?" shouted Snape. "Five points for every second you waste!"

"Um, uh, I don't know, I didn't wri-,"

"FIVE POINTS! TEN… FIF-,"

"Y-YOU!" blurted out Harry, desperate not to lose any more points.

Snape sneered at Harry. "Me, eh?"

"Oh, no," said Harry quickly, "I didn't mean y-,"

"QUIET!" barked Snape. He looked at the note, and read the message scrawled on the front.

Snape's jaw nearly hit the floor. He looked from Harry back to the note. His hands shaking and white, he turned the note over, much like Harry had. He read the message on the back.

He fainted cold.

* * *

Even though Snape was eventually revived, he only weakly dismissed the class early, avoiding Harry's eyes. After class, Harry immediately met up with Ron.

"Ron, WHAT WAS WITH THAT NOTE?" shouted Harry.

"It- it wasn't for you!" said Ron, his face extremely red. "And the message wasn't meant to come off like that!"

"Then who WAS it for?" asked Harry.

However, the conversation was cut off when Malfoy, accompanied by Crabbe and Goyle, blocked their path.

"How'd you like THAT, Potter?" Malfoy laughed, with Crabbe and Goyle mindlessly laughing along with him.

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked, confused.

Malfoy's eyes widened. "My… payback…"

"Do you mean… that tack thing?" asked Harry, still confused.

"Yes… don't tell me that the unbearable pain, torture, and embarrassment of _sitting on a tack _has worn off already…"

"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up."

Malfoy's face changed from normal to red and then to purple faster than a traffic light.

"Um… I think you should see a doctor about that…" said Ron uncertainly.

"POTTER!" screeched Malfoy, causing many people in the hallway to stop and turn to see what the entire racket was about. "YOU MAY HAVE FOILED ME YET AGAIN, BUT I SWEAR, I SHALL GET YOU BACK!"

Suddenly, the hallway was filled with smoke. Malfoy had thrown a smoke bomb and disappeared.

…Or so he thought. Apparently, due to the way he had thrown the bomb, the majority of the smoke had billowed up directly into his face. He was left on the ground, coughing and sputtering, gasping for air.

Normally, Harry and Ron would have had a good laugh. However, the issue of Hermione, whose whereabouts were still unknown to them, was still unsolved. They decided to hurry up and try to see Professor McGonagal before the next class.

Arriving at McGonagal's office, Harry tried the door. It was locked.

"Aw, man, the door's locked!" said Harry, needlessly stating the obvious.

"Yeah. That means we can't go in!" said Ron, also needlessly stating the obvious.

"The sky's blue!" said Harry, taking the whole thing too far.

"Harry, this is no time for respecting McGonagal's privacy!" said Ron, getting back to the point. "Hermione's missing! _Alohomora_!"

The lock clicked, and the door swung open.

"Sorry for busting in like this, Professor," said Harry quickly, "but something very serious-," Harry stopped suddenly. Not unlike Snape, Harry's jaw nearly hit the floor, as did Ron's.

They both simply could not believe what they were seeing.


	4. The Search For Hermione

"Is that?" said Harry slowly.

"Yes, Harry, unfortunately, I think it _is." _Said Ron.

Both of them were staring straight at McGonagal's desk. Or rather, what was _on _her desk.

"A bottle of ink…?" said Harry, his mind just beginning to realize what he was seeing.

"And it's…" said Ron slowly, not daring to say the word.

"Spilled?"

The word hit them both like a slap in the face.

"OH, NO, HARRY, DON'T SAY IT! I CAN'T LOOK!" screamed Ron, covering his eyes and diving behind a trash bin.

"Boys, come on, pull yourselves together." Said Dumbledore.

Wait, Dumbledore?

"Professor, what are you doing here?" asked Harry.

"Nothing… nothing…" said Dumbledore, acting very casual.

"Oh, okay." Said Ron, getting up from behind the trash bin. "Let's go, Harry."

"Okay." Harry started to leave with Ron, but then he paused. "Um… Professor?" asked Harry.

"Yes, Harry?"

"Why are you wearing a bra?"

"Oh, darn it!" said Dumbledore, trying very unsuccessfully to cover up the silver and very lacy brassiere he was wearing over a bare chest. "I thought you wouldn't notice."

Ron brought his hand to his mouth, looking like he was trying to fight something back. Harry, against his best judgment, decided to continue with the questioning.

"And… why are you in McGonagal's office?"

Dumbledore, now looking very uncomfortable, searched for words to say. "Well, boys, I guess I should start the explaining…"

He stood up, revealing that he was also wearing a pair of silver panties.

Needless to say, Harry and Ron ran like the wind.

* * *

"Okay…" panted Harry, out of breath. "Let's just agree on this. THAT NEVER HAPPENED."

"Agreed," said Ron. "Anyway, where do you think McGonagal is?"

"I don't know. Maybe she's in Gryffindor tower. We might be able to get to her and not be late for class."

"Let's go!"

* * *

Meanwhile, inside Gryffindor tower…

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU COULDN'T FIND A PLACE TO HIDE HER?" yelled a very short wizard to a very tall one, who was holding an unconscious girl in his arms.

"Exactly that," responded the tall one. "I looked for a place to hide her, and couldn't find one."

"Oh, great," said the short one. "I tell you to find a place to hide Harry's little friend. Then I come back and find that you're WALKING AROUND with her, _still looking _for a place to hide her! You were WALKING AROUND with an UNCONSCIOUS GIRL! Can you comprehend what I'm saying?"

"What was that?" asked the tall one, taking the wads of cotton out of his ears. "Sorry, I couldn't comprehend what you were saying."

The short one paused for a second, and then went on.

"You… IDIOT! If ONE PERSON found you, JUST ONE, what do you think they'd do? Apprehend us! Our cover would be blown! You have to be the dumbest person I've met! Even dumber than that drunk old hag I found in a pub five years ago! Need I remind you just how _dumb _she was? She would…"

The short one took this opportunity to put the wads of cotton back into his ears. He sneered. "Works every time," he said to no one in particular.

Suddenly, the short one paused. The tall one took the wads of cotton out of his ears for a second to try to find out what he was pausing for.

"What are you-?"

"Shut up!" hissed the short one at the tall one. They both fell silent.

"Footsteps!" they both whispered at once.

They were trapped. Just around the corner were approaching footsteps, and, since they were at what seemed to be a dead end in a very long corridor, there was no way of getting out without being discovered with the unconscious Hermione in their hands.

"QUICK!" hissed the short one. "TRY TO FIND A PLACE TO HIDE HER!"

As the footsteps drew ever nearer, the tall one and short one both searched their immediate area for an opening, a large object to conceal Hermione from view, anything. In their haste, the tall one bumped against an odd-looking portrait of a very fat lady.

"Ouch!" said the Fat Lady. "Are you going to just stand there all day, bumping against me, or are you going to go in?"

The tall one was dumbstruck, but the short one didn't want to second-guess this chance. "We'll go in, and hurry!" he hissed quickly.

"Password?" asked the Fat Lady.

"Dang!" said the short one, knowing that their detection was most likely imminent.

* * *

"Hey, wait up, Harry," said Ron, as he and Harry were about to turn the corner that led to the Fat Lady's portrait.

"What's wrong?" asked Harry.

"Oh, nothing, something just compelled me to stop here and waste a few seconds," said Ron.

"Ron, sometimes you scare me," said Harry.

"So… do you wanna turn this corner now? Seeing as Hermione's life may be in danger?"

"Right!" said Harry, starting to turn the corner. But all of a sudden, he stopped.

"What is it?" asked Ron.

"Even though Hermione may be in mortal danger," said Harry, "I just had to stop and admire the incredible design of the _castle floor. _I mean, every stone fits in _perfectly! _You'd think this castle was built yesterday, rather than ages ago!"

"Yeah, I know!" agreed Ron. "Even though every second we waste might mean a likelier death for Hermione, I just _have _to stop and agree with you on this one!"

Meanwhile, the short and tall men were trying valiantly to figure out the password.

"Um… lemon drops?" asked the short one in vain.

"Ooh, I like lemon drops!" squeaked the Fat Lady.

"So, that's the password?"

"Nope."

"How about chicken?" the tall one offered.

Both the Fat Lady and the short one looked at the tall one.

The tall one shrugged. "I like chicken."

"Look here," said the short one, trying to look as threatening as possible, "we need to get into whatever room you're guarding, see? And we need to be in there _now, _see? So either you let us in _now, _or some of your pain might… smudge… _see?"_

"Sure, I'll let you in," said the Fat Lady. "Just give me the password."

"Oh, she's good," said the short one.

"Um… let us in… please?" tried the tall one.

"You IDIOT!" hissed the short one. "If I literally threatened _paint smudge _and she wouldn't budge, why on EARTH would you think that ASKING NICELY would-"

"That's the password!" said the Fat Lady happily. "Please!" She swung open to reveal the portrait hole leading to the Gryffindor common room.

The short one paused for a second. Then he ushered the tall one to push Hermione in. They both came in after her, and the portrait hole slammed shut.

* * *

At that exact moment, Harry and Ron rounded the corner, sprinting. 

"NO TIME TO LOSE!" said Harry. "WITH EVERY PASSING MINUTE HERMIONE'S CHANCE OF SURVIVAL- ooh!" Harry suddenly screeched to a stop, causing Ron to, also.

"Look at that _brilliant _suit of armor!" said Harry excitedly, pointing at a suit of armor beside the Fat Lady. "It's so shiny!"

"And I thought the floor was good!" said Ron.

* * *

Awesome, I got reviews. Yay, I'm not totally horrible at this! Thanks! 


	5. Confrontation

OMG, more reviews? Awesome.

* * *

Hermione awoke in her bed. She rose slowly, feeling sore for some reason. _Why on earth am I wearing my school clothes? _She wondered. _And why does my bed feel so… different? _She looked around. "Wait…" she said, scratching her head, "this doesn't feel like my bed…" she felt around. The sheets were very messy and undone. There were stains on the pillows. "If I didn't know better," said Hermione, "then I'd say that this is…"

Suddenly, her hands came across some material lying on the bed. Picking it up, she discovered it to be a pair of very old and worn out boxers with "Weasley" stitched into the lining.

_EEK! _Hermione's mind screamed out. _I'm in Ron's bed!_ She threw the boxers aside and tried to throw aside the bed curtains. However, they wouldn't budge. She wondered why for a second. Suddenly, she realized that they must have been enchanted. She was being held prisoner… in Ron's bed!

In desperation, she tried a few spells. But she could not break the enchantment.

_Oh, no! I'm trapped until the person holding me captive decides to release me!_ As she finished this thought, she paused. She had heard sounds outside.

"_Voices!" _she whispered to herself, straining to listen. She had no idea why she was here, and maybe this would give her a clue.

"Oh, give it to me!" came the first voice. It seemed to belong to a man, a man who was very tall. "Give it to me right there… _right there! _Ooh, that's the spot! Yeah! YEAH!"

"What in the name of Merlin is going on out there?" said Hermione, her lips starting to quiver. She covered her ears with Ron's pillow and tried to think of what to do.

* * *

"What… are… you… DOING?" shouted the short man to the tall man.

"I like chicken…" said the tall one, munching on a drumstick.

"Yes," said the short one slowly, "but what was up with that whole 'give it to me' thing you did when you asked me to hand you a drumstick?"

"You see," said the tall one, "I like to receive my drumsticks in a _particular spot _of the palm of my hand. And I must say, you hit that spot like a pro!"

* * *

It should be noted that Hermione had uncovered her ears just in time to hear the words _and I must say, you hit that spot like a pro! _

She immediately covered them again.

* * *

"All right, that's not what we should be thinking of now," said the short one sternly. "We need to figure out what we'll do with the girl. Potter will most likely be suspicious. He might even be on our trail. We have to find a better hiding place- ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?"

"Sorry, what was that?" asked the tall one, concentrating on a small device in his hand. "I wasn't paying attention to you. I was playing this small electric handheld device."

The short one grabbed the small electronic handheld device. "I thought electronic devices didn't work around Hogwarts."

No sooner than the words left his mouth, the electronic handheld device fizzled out. The short one dropped it in surprise. It burst into flames, which quickly subsided, leaving a pile of ashes.

"Wow," said the short one and tall one at once.

* * *

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron, after admiring the suit of armor, the portrait hole, the common room rug, the common room couch, the common room sofa, the common room recliner, the common room walls, the common room fireplace, painfully admiring the common room fire, further admiring the common room stairs, and finally admiring the doorknob of the boys' dormitory, were ready to enter their dorms, to see if Hermione was there, by some chance. They opened the door…

"Someone's opening the door!" said the tall one with urgency.

"Quick, hide!" said the short one, diving behind one of the beds.

Harry and Ron burst into the room. "Y-YOU!" shouted Harry, pointing straight at the tall one. "What are YOU doing here?"

"What the- I TOLD YOU TO HIDE!" screamed the short one.

"I did hide," said the tall one, standing in the middle of the dorm room. "I was hiding in plain sight."

"You… idiot…" grumbled the short one.

"You're not much smarter," Ron pointed out. "You just gave away your hiding place by talking."

The short one paused. "Dang." He stood up in resignation.

"All right," said Harry, taking out his wand. "I've had just about enough of this." He pointed his wand directly at the tall one's chest. "Do you have Hermione?"

"Hermione? Who's that?" asked the tall one.

"His little girlfriend!" hissed the short one.

Harry turned pink for a second. "She's just my friend. Now," he said, getting serious, "if you don't tell me where she is, I'm going to hex you into next week!"

"Ooh!" said Ron, cringing. "Harry, where'd you get such lame dialogue?"

Harry shrugged. "I guess the writer isn't creative enough."

"Harry, what are you talking about?"

"Nothing," said Harry, turning back to the tall one. "Now, TELL ME WHERE SHE IS!"

The tall one nodded. "Okay," he said, pointing to one of the beds. "She's in there."

"But you can't get her!" said the short one happily. "We put a spell on that bed! It keeps her in!"

"Hey, that's my bed!" said Ron angrily.

"No that isn't, Ron," said Harry. "That's Dean's bed."

"What? But I've been sleeping there for the past- Oh… yeah, it is!" said Ron suddenly, looking very nervous.

Harry suddenly had a flashback to last night, when Ron came out to see what the entire racket with the chicken was about. If Harry's mind had served him correctly, Ron had exited from the bed on his left, instead of the right, as usual…

"Um, it's not what you think," said Ron, nervously trying to explain.

There was an awkward silence. Finally, the short one broke the silence.

"Anyway, if you want your precious little friend back, you will agree… to FACE US IN A WIZARD'S DUEL!"

"A duel?" said Harry and Ron in unison.

"Yes… a duel," said the short one evilly. "You two versus us two. Right here, right now. We're playing by mercy rules. To win, you must get the other pair to mutually concede."

"And if we win?" asked Ron.

"If you win, you get the girl. If you lose…"

"Then we WHAT?" asked Harry furiously.

"Oh, you'll come over to us… as our PRISONER. Then we can do whatever we wish with you…"

"No way!" said Harry.

"Oh? Very well then, say goodbye to your little girlfriend." He pointed his wand directly at Dean's curtains. "Let's see if the most powerful curse ever will break through these enchanted curtains! AVADA-"

"NO!" screamed Harry and Ron in unison. "Fine!" said Harry. "We'll… duel! But only if there are no unforgivable curses! It gives you an unfair advantage!"

The tall one sneered. "As you wish, Potter. Short! Get over here."

The tall one came to the short one's side of the room.

"Wait…" said Ron. "Your name is Short?"

"Yeah," said the tall one, or rather, Short. "My name is Short One. He's Tall One."

"No relation." Said Tall One.

"All right, are you ready?" said Harry, tightening his grip on his wand. Ron pulled out his own wand.

"Get ready to become our prisoner, Potter!" shrieked Tall One in delight.

Harry smiled, in spite of himself. "We'll see."


End file.
